


Lost and Found

by Julie_dAubigny



Category: The Missing: J.J. Macfield and the Island of Memories (Video Game)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon Trans Character, F/F, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Healing, Mental Health Issues, Post-Canon, Self-Harm, Spoilers, Suicide Attempt, Tags Contain Spoilers, Trans Female Character, Transgender, Transitioning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-07 15:17:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16410941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julie_dAubigny/pseuds/Julie_dAubigny
Summary: J.J. shot up in her bed, drenched in sweat. She was breathing heavily, gasping for air. A dream. Just another bad dream. Thank God. J.J. surveyed her surroundings. The room was dimly lit, only a single lamp beside her bed providing light. The walls were a dark teal, and a window in the corner gave her a glimpse into the night sky.Night? How long have I been asleep?A faint beeping pulled her attention to a monitor at the side of her bed, and she glanced down to see a wire attaching her to the machine. A hospital? Why was she in a-Oh.The memories flooded back in an instant. The box cutter sliding into her skin, the nightmare that seemed to go on forever, Emily… the last thing she remembered was hugging Emily before she passed out again.Typical. Ruining the moment, again. Nice going, J.J.---------Snippets from the life of J.J. Macfield, post-ending.





	Lost and Found

**Author's Note:**

> So uhhhh... I cannot stop thinking about this game since I played it. As a trans woman, it hit me on an extremely emotional level. But as good as that ending was, I could use some catharsis. Hence, this fic. 
> 
> This'll be a continuation of J.J.'s life and transition after the end of the game, mostly fluff with probably a splash of angst who knows...

###  Chapter 1: Recovery 

J.J. strolled through a field of flowers, gold and purple and brilliant. She’d… been here before? She wasn’t sure; She wasn’t really sure of anything anymore. Windmills stretched far into the distance. The scene was comforting, a seemingly sourceless sense of nostalgia filled her. She brushed her long blonde hair out of her face, and adjusted the hem of her skirt. How long had she been walking?

Her legs grew tired, and she stopped to rest. _If only there were somewhere to sit_ … and as the thought crossed her mind, a shift in the scenery caught her eye. A picnic blanket, checkered red and white laid across a flat patch in the field, with a basket placed at its center. Perfectly idyllic. J.J. sat on the blanket, laying on the side of her leg as she held herself up with her arm. Was she supposed to meet someone here? It certainly felt like it, but… who? The girl leaned over to look inside the basket, but before she could open it…

“Jackie Jameson Macfield. I see you’ve… accepted yourself?”, a man’s voice broke the calming silence. She turned her head on a dime, glancing up to see a shadowy figure looming over her form. He was pitch black, and the longer J.J. looked the more drawn in she felt. He seemed to be… bleeding? From his wrists, of course, (of course? J.J. would have to ponder that later), but also his upper chest, as well as his… that thing between his legs. That fucking thing hanging between his legs like some… J.J. stopped herself. Why was she getting so upset all of the sudden? The shadowy man continued, “Fear and doubt may no longer hold you back, but there will always be despair. There were more… pressing matters before, but… now I’ve got you all to myself.” His voice was eerie and smooth, almost commanding. As he spoke, the skies darkened, clouds rolling into the distance. The man stepped closer to J.J., moving into her space with ominous purpose.

J.J. Ran, her fight or flight kicking in. As she sprinted through the field, the flowers around her wilted and died. Their stems hardened into harsh roots, and J.J. lost her footing, tumbling onto the ground with a hard _thud_. She looked up, and to her horror, there he was. She hadn’t even heard him chasing…

The man reached forward and grabbed J.J. by the scruff of the collar, pulling her close and peering into her eyes, despite his lack of facial features. As the shadow man stared, J.J. could feel her life being sucked away by this creature. She felt her bones crack, protruding outward at harsh angles. She attempted to pull herself away, but was losing strength fast. As the shadow man peered deeper and deeper, stealing more of her away, all she could do was scream…

* * *

J.J. shot up in her bed, drenched in sweat. She was breathing heavily, gasping for air. A dream. Just another bad dream. Thank God. J.J. surveyed her surroundings. The room was dimly lit, only a single lamp beside her bed providing light. The walls were a dark teal, and a window in the corner gave her a glimpse into the night sky. _Night? How long have I been asleep?_ A faint beeping pulled her attention to a monitor at the side of her bed, and she glanced down to see a wire attaching her to the machine. A hospital? Why was she in a-

Oh.

The memories flooded back in an instant. The box cutter sliding into her skin, the nightmare that seemed to go on forever, Emily… the last thing she remembered was hugging Emily before she passed out again. _Typical. Ruining the moment, again. Nice going, J.J._ As she glanced around this space once again, she noticed she wasn’t alone. A woman slept on a chair sat in the corner of the room. She had long, black hair, wrinkles showing her age… _Mom?_ J.J. watched with hitched anxiety as her mother’s eyes fluttered awake.

As soon as her eyes caught J.J., she sprang to her side. Her voice was hysterical and J.J. had trouble catching all of it, “Oh, Jackie! My sweet baby boy, you’re alright! Thank God you’re alright!” J.J.’s heart stung, and her nerves fluttered in her chest. The word was a stark reminder why she was here in the first place. Her mother had wanted to pull J.J. into counseling. To… fix her. J.J. realized through her anxious state that her mother was still talking, “Don’t you ever do something like that again, Jackie! You’re the heir to our family and if you were gone, I… I would have nothing!” J.J. wanted to shut out the world. She wanted to scream and kick and struggle. She wanted to curl up and cry. She wanted… she wanted Emily.

“Mom…”, she started. Her voice was still rough and low. She didn’t have the energy to make it sound how she wanted. And if she did, she certainly wouldn’t in front of her mother. “Is Emily here?”

Her mother stopped, and looked down at her. As if she had prepared everything she’d wanted to say and suddenly it all flew out a window. “Emily? Yes, she’s here, but-“

“Can you go get her, please?”, she asked earnestly. Her mother looked her up and down, in any other circumstance she’d probably be a little more skeptical, but… considering what J.J. had been through, she was fairly sure her mother wouldn’t bring it up. They’d talk about all this, eventually. J.J. was going to have to spend some time preparing for that. But not yet, right now she just needed some time. Her mother looked towards the door, then back down at J.J., then again at the door. Finally, she crossed the room and turned the handle, leaning out into the hallway. She was saying something, but J.J. couldn’t hear what. J.J. decided to talk the moment to take stock of herself. The first thing she noticed was that she was wearing patient scrubs. She was glad to have her bare chest covered, unlike in the auditorium. Her mind briefly wandered to if anyone else saw her there… Next, she examined her wrists, the scene of the crime. They had bandages wrapped around, strangely clean. _Maybe they already had to replace them? Jeez, how much did I bleed…_

J.J.’s mom looked back into the room, making a “come over here” motion with her hand towards someone outside. And then… there she was.

Emily gasped as soon as she saw her, dashing across the room and throwing her hands around J.J. before either could even get a word in. J.J. dug her head into Emily’s neck, feeling safe for the first time since before the nightmare, other than their last hug. The two girls stayed like that for a while, tears threatening to stream down their faces, before a gentle coughing noise emanated from the doorway. J.J. looked up to see her mother still standing there. Right. “M-mom? Could you, um, give us a minute?” Her mom seemed conflicted, but after a few seconds of indecision, silently exited the room, pulling the door shut behind her.

“J.J.!”, Emily began, looking into the other girl’s eyes, “You can’t keep scaring me like this! When you passed out again I thought I hurt you!”

J.J. looked down and smiled sheepishly, retorting, “Well… the squeezing didn’t _help_. But, I think it was mostly the blood loss?” As she motioned to look back up at her friend, the two broke out into a nervous laugh. “I’m sorry, Emily.”

Emily pulled her friend back into a hug, as she whispered, “You have nothing to be sorry for.” Now J.J. actually _was_ crying. Emily wiped the girl’s tears away with her thumb and asked in a hushed voice, “You said you understood who you were now, before you passed out back there. I don’t want to rush you, J.J., but, does that mean you’re going to start going… further with this?”

J.J. searched around the room for a moment with her eyes, before nodding her head slowly, saying, “I’ve read up a little more about it. There are these… medications I can take, that can make my body more comfortable. I’ll start dressing more like myself to classes. My professor even mentioned he’d support me! And, my voice, I’ve practiced it with you before, I can start using that! And keep growing my hair out! And, makeup, maybe? And, and…” Her voice trailed off, catching herself in her sudden excitement. Emily’s smile spread across her entire face as she beamed at her friend. She held J.J.’s hands in her own, and assured her, “I’ll be with you every step of the way. I’m proud of you.” 

The door creaked open, bathing the dimly lit room in a sterile phosphorus light. A tall bald man wearing a white coat stepped inside, carrying a clipboard in his left hand. He sauntered towards the bed, questioning, “Jackie Jameson Macfield?”, though he spoke it like he already knew the answer. J.J. nodded quickly, realizing her hands were still being held by Emily, and blushed as she pulled them away. The doctor continued with a slight smile at his lip, “I’m Dr. Fremont. I just thought I’d letcha know, while you’re still conscious, that we’ll be keepin’ ya for a few more days. Alright?” 

J.J. squeaked out an, “Ok…”, and Dr. Fremont turned around and left the girls alone once again. They turned to each other, giggling over nothing. “You mentioned a dream, before. Is that what’s brought this on?”, Emily inquired.

“I-Yes. In the dream, I had such a _clear_ vision of, of who I’m supposed to be. I feel… determined, now. I’ve accepted myself, 100%.”

“But…”, Emily pondered, “You also mentioned that it was a bad dream?”

J.J. blushed, and turned to her side as she admitted, “I dreamt I had… lost you.”

“Oh, J.J.!”, the brunette exclaimed as she pulled her in for another hug. “I’m not going anywhere, we already promised each other that.”

“I know, I know. It didn’t make the dream any less scary, though.” The girls pulled away from each other, smiling warmly. “Oh!”, J.J. exclaimed, “I also had my limbs torn off a few hundred times…”

“Wait, what?”

* * *

“Jackie…”, a voice whispered into her ear. It was ethereal, and distant. “Jaaackie?” Masculine, but at the same time, comforting. Was that… Dad?!

“Jackie!”, the voice increased in force, and J.J. shot her eyes open to see Dr. Fremont sitting beside her. Oh. Yeah. Hospital. It was day now, noon-ish, maybe. Details about the room J.J. hadn’t noticed before were clearer now, whether because of the light or because she was less exhausted, she wasn’t sure. There was a tv mounted on the wall opposite her bed, turned off for the moment. The walls were covered in various medical posters, and a few proclaiming different variations of the basic “Get Well Soon!” message. She also noticed, to her side, a collection of balloons and flowers. _Guess the word got out…_ The doctor noticed her waking, and explained, “Sorry to wake ya up, but, I needed to ask you some questions about your overall well-being. Plus, you’ve got a few visitors that I think you should see. Is there something you’d prefer to be called other than Jackie, by the way?”

“Um, J.J.’s fine, I guess.” She put just a bit more effort into sounding feminine this time. It wasn’t much, but certainly better than the deep rumble of her natural voice. The doctor cocked his head to one side, then shrugged and exhaled, “Very well, J.J., how are ya feeling?”

That was a good question. How _was_ she feeling? Physically? Her wrists stung a tiny bit, but it was an easily ignored kind of pain. Other than that, she was still pretty tired… Emotionally? She was a little all over the place, but, mostly she was just relieved to be alive. But, the doctor was probably only interested in the physical part. “Well”, she spoke softly, “Alright, I guess? It doesn’t hurt, anyways. Not, you know, badly.”

“Good, good.”, he said as he jotted something on his clipboard. “Now, I’m going to ask something very personal, J.J., and I need you to answer honestly so that we can-“

“Why did I try to kill myself?” The doctor stared at her, dumbfounded at the frankness of her interruption. The question permeated the air from the moment she woke up last night. She would have to explain to someone else eventually. Might as well start here? “I… I don’t, uhm. I-I feel like I... should have been a girl. I’ve felt that way for a long time. My mom and some of the students at my school found out, and… it all felt so pointless. I didn’t think I’d ever be the person I was meant to be, and I thought that… maybe it would just be better to end it now.”

Dr. Fremont was looking into her eyes, he seemed to have forgotten he was supposed to be writing this stuff down. “J.J… you attend the University of Maine, correct?”

“Y-yes, that’s right.”, she replied, confused at the direction this conversation had taken. The doctor explained, “If I recall correctly, the University offers excellent resources for transgender students. If you speak to your counselors, I’m sure you would be set you up with therapy sessions, means to change your preferred pronouns with the faculty, hormone replacement, if you want it… All covered by the student insurance plan.” J.J. remembered Professor Goodman mentioning something like this earlier, but she didn’t realize it was so… extensive. All she could think to respond with was, “Oh! You’re… you’re helping me? I didn’t think anyone would want to help a… a freak…”

“J.J., there’s nothing wrong with being trans. You deserve to be yourself, just like anyone else.” She’d heard similar words countless times from Emily, but, hearing it from an actual doctor… it felt more real, somehow. “I’ve decided”, Dr. Fremont announced with maybe just a bit too much gravitas, “To stand by my decision to release you once your wounds are healed. I was considering putting in a request to keep you longer, get you psychiatric help, but, I think if you talk to your counselor, surround yourself with friends, and find as many opportunities as you can to be yourself, you won’t even need it. Doctor’s orders.”, he said with a wink.

“Th-thank you…”, J.J. eked out, feeling suddenly very vulnerable. “Oh, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, please don’t tell my mom about this?”

“Of course, J.J., medical confidentiality is very important to me. I need my patients to trust me, after all. Now! If you’re feeling up to it, there’s some people here that would like to see you.” J.J. brightened a bit. Emily? “Yeah, ok.”, she responded.

Dr. Fremont exited the room, and in his place a lanky brown-haired bearded man in his late 30’s stepped inside. Professor Goodman sighed with relief as he saw J.J. lying on the bed, and proclaimed, “Jackie. I am so sorry. I should have known that you were under too much pressure. That you weren’t doing well, especially considering the circumstances under which you came out to me. I should have seen the signs and moved faster to help you.”

He was… apologizing? Prof. Goodman, of all people, felt guilty about this? “Professor… you have nothing to be sorry for…” J.J. was struck by the casualness of “came out”, as if it wasn’t a weight hanging over J.J.’s head every day of her life. As if it wasn’t a guarded secret that would ruin her life if anyone ever knew. And, maybe… maybe it wasn’t…

“Jackie, you are a bright, brilliant, wonderful young woman, and I’m sorry for what you’ve been put through. And I’m especially sorry if being my teaching assistant added to that stress. You know that you can always talk to me, right?”

“Of course, Professor”, she said with a smile. The man continued, “If you’ll be out of the hospital by this Saturday, I’d still very much like to invite you to dinner with my family.”

The girl nodded, and affirmed, “I’d like that.” Prof. Goodman grinned warmly, then turned and left the room. 

* * *

J.J. had a moment to herself, for the first time really since before the… incident. Unless the dream counted, but that wasn’t... _real_ … despite how real it felt. She could still feel the snapping of her spine, the burns crawling up her arms, the sickening slap of her head rolling across the ground. J.J. shuddered. The dream wasn’t all bad, after all; she was herself in it. Dressed how she would normally dress around Emily, only her body, her voice, were… correct. The thought of getting to that point in real life some day… finally knowing who she truly was felt better than she had the words to describe.

The door creaked open once again, startling J.J. out of her thoughts. A young woman stepped into the room, clad in leathers and spikes, her hair shaved on one side and dyed a myriad of colors. She looked a little out of place in this particular environment.

“Abby!”, J.J. exclaimed, lighting up at the sight of her friend. Abby stomped over and gave J.J. the most aggressive hug of her entire life. “You had me worried, asshole!”, she exclaimed just breathlessly enough to let J.J. know she wasn’t actually mad, this was just her way of being supportive.

“I’m sorry, Abby”, regret dripping from J.J.'s lips, “I wasn’t thinking…”

“I didn’t realize you were that upset, J.J.! I wish you’d told me.” J.J.’s response was simply an apologetic glance and a weak smile. Abby resumed, “You said you wanted to talk about something, before… I felt so bad about missing your texts, especially after I heard about what happened. Do you… do you wanna talk about it now?”

J.J. stopped, and weighed the options before her. She’d considered telling Abby earlier because she was so supportive of her maybe-lesbian friend, but chickened out to wallow in self-pity some more. _It sounds pathetic when I put it like that. Get ahold of yourself, J.J._ It was now or never, she supposed…

“Yes, Abby, I think I do. I’ve never been good at, er, phrasing it right. I-for a long time, I’ve felt like, I don’t, uh, I feel like-“

“You’re trans.”

She _knew?_ “You _knew?_ ”

Abby chuckled slightly, saying, “Like, most my friends are queer, dude. I heard the rumors around school, at first I didn’t believe ‘em but, after thinking about some of the things you’ve told me, and just, like, everything about the way you act… it made sense. I just figured you’d tell me when you were ready, y’kno?”

J.J. smirked up at her. Of _course_ Abby already knew. She was way smarter than she gave herself credit for. “Do you have a different name or pronouns you want me to use?”, Abby asked, with more sincerity than J.J. was used to from the laidback rocker.

“Oh, ‘J.J.’ is still fine, but, I think I would prefer… sh-she/her?”

“You got it! Hey, aren’t you getting a little bored in here?”

“I only just woke up so, not really…”, J.J. admitted. Abby looked around, got a little closer, and confessed in her best deadpan, “I’ve been in the waiting room for like three hours. I’m really, really, really bored.” J.J. snorted, covering her face with her not-heart beat monitor hand. Through the giggles, she managed, “Unless you brought a deck of cards or something, there’s not much I can do. There’s the tv, I guess, but-“

“Done.”, Abby declared, grabbing the remote she’d clearly already noticed off the side table and bringing the tv to life. 

The screen displayed the classic set of Full House, in the midsts of an episode. J.J. wasn’t much a tv watcher, but she remembered reruns of this show from her childhood. Actually, this reminded her of something… “Hey, Abby. Did you know Phillip dropped out of school to become an actor?”

“What?! Ha! That’s kinda hilarious.”

“I wouldn’t laugh yet, apparently he actually did get a part in a sitcom.” Abby looked surprised, “Really? Huh. Bet his daddy got it for him…” J.J. cocked her head, and Abby continued, “Good for him though, I guess.”

“Yea, I didn’t even realize that’s something he wanted until-“

The door cracked open, and the girls both turned towards the interruption. A mousy girl with a brunette bob and brimmed hat poked her head through into the room.

“Emily!!!”, J.J. shouted, perhaps a bit too loud. She probably shouldn’t be yelling in a hospital… Emily stepped inside, and did a double-take when she saw Abby, “Oh, I didn’t realize you had a visitor already. I’ll come back when you’re done-“

“It’s alright, Emily. This is Abby, my friend from college.”

“‘Sup”, Abby said nonchalantly, holding up her hand in a half wave.

“Oh! Well, it’s nice to meet you Abby! Any friend of J.J.’s is a friend of mine.” Emily walked closer to J.J., sitting in the chair beside her, and whispered, “Does she… know? About you?”

J.J. responded in a voice loud enough for Abby to hear, “Yea, she knows.”

“And she’s… ok with it?”

Abby chimed in, “I can still hear you, I’m like, right here. And yea, of course I’m ok with it. J.J. fuckin’ rules, and the fact that she’s a girl doesn’t change anything for me.”

Emily looked down in embarrassment, “Sorry. I’m just a little… protective over J.J., that's all. She is very dear to me.”

The punk girl cocked an eyebrow, dryly remarking, “Is that so? Well, you two are very cute together.”

J.J. and Emily looked at each other wide eyed, as J.J. sputtered, “It’s not-uh i-it’s not like that, Abby!” Both of their faces were burning up fast. Abby chuckled, shaking her head as she proclaimed, “Sure it isn’t.” She turned to leave the room, shouting behind her, “I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone. Cya!”

J.J. turned to look at Emily once again, “S-sorry about that. She can be a little… much.”

“It’s alright. She seems… interesting, to say the least.” Emily’s cheeks were bright red. The shorter girl leaned over J.J. to look at the other side of the bed, and asked, “Have you looked at any of these cards yet?”

“Oh, no. I’ve only been awake for… 20 minutes?”

“Do you want to?”, Emily propositioned.

“Yea, alright.”, J.J. agreed as she switched the tv back off. Emily walked around the bed and knelt down to pick a card off the side of some flowers. “Dear Jackie”, Emily began reading, “I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and praying for you every night. God loves you! Auntie Linda.” J.J. smiled slightly. She hadn’t heard from Aunt Linda in a while, it was nice to know she was thinking of her. 

Emily put the plants down and picked up a card with a balloon attached, “Jackie Jameson Macfield, the faculty of the University of Maine was heartbroken to hear of your hardships. We’ll be sure to ramp up our anti-bullying rhetoric around the facility, and I’ll be personally speaking to your professors to ensure your condition is handled with care. We look forward to having you back in our halls, with that same bright mind as always, soon enough! Dean Chambers.” The dean of faculty wrote that to her personally? J.J. wasn’t sure whether she was flattered or confused. 

Emily grabbed a card off the table, unattached to anything else, and started, “Jackie, My dear, sweet b-, oh.” She stopped, “This one’s from your mom… I won’t read the rest if you don’t want me to…”

“It’s alright… Keep going.”

Emily’s concern plastered her face, but she trudged on, “I’m sorry I couldn’t be by your side today. An emergency at work came up. I want you to know that I’ll always love you, and that you’ll always be my…”, Emily hesitated, “my son. Love, mom.” J.J.’s smile had completely fallen, as the girl sat up a little straighter and pulled her knees to her chest, hugging them tight. “She’s never going to see my as a girl, huh?”, she whimpered meekly.

“I… I don’t know”, Emily admitted, “But if she won’t, is she really worth keeping in your life?”

“Of course she is. I’m all she has.”

Emily looked pensive for a moment, before finally responding, “So? J.J., she pushes you way too hard. Every time you talk to her, you come away sad. I didn’t even realize how bad it was at first but, she’s affecting you, J.J., and I don’t like it.”

“Emily… what are you trying to say?”

“I think you should talk to her, and tell her why she’s upsetting you. And if she listens, great! If not… I don’t think you should speak to her anymore.” Deep down, J.J. knew Emily was right. But, the idea of cutting her mom out of her life like that, after her father died… it seemed cruel beyond words, no matter how badly she treated her.

“But… what if that just makes things worse?”

“J.J… how much worse could it get than _this_?”, Emily said, motioning to the space around them. J.J. stared at a space on the wall for a while. _I’m not afraid anymore!_ Her dream-self’s voice echoed in her mind. _I can do this!_

“I’ll do it.”, J.J. resolved, determined. “But, will you come with me? In case it goes, y’know, really bad?”

Emily smiled down at her best friend, as she asked with a laugh, “Have you forgotten our promise already?”

“I’ll always be with you.”

**Author's Note:**

> That was a bit more angsty than I meant it to be, oops. It'll get happier later I promise.
> 
> Also, I wrote a fairly idealized version of the American healthcare system because fuck putting J.J. through that on top of everything else.


End file.
